I Know You Are Out There

It's funny how I have searched the other blogs and rarely find any blogs about the lifestyle or about swinging. I know there are people out there that are involved in the lifestyle. It's a growing community and I think that some people are even starting to come out from behind closed doors. It's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of any longer. They may not be talking about it to their friends, family and/or co-workers, but they are there none the less.

However, finding other swinging couples can be difficult. There are personal columns in the local papers but then you have to rely on snail mail to reach its destination then wait to see if anyone writes back which can take weeks or months even! If a couple is ready to play its impossible this type of communication is feasible. There used to be magazines dedicated to the lifestyle that operated similar to the newspaper personal columns with the same kinds of downfalls. The ones we used to pick up have gone the way of the World Wide Web.

Now there are many websites out there that provide an avenue for meeting other couples (or singles) but they are full of bots, single men portraying themselves as a being a couple or other types of people with questionable character.

We have utilized all of these types of venues and have met some interesting people in the process, either in person or through e-mails and/or phone calls. But for our own reasons these relationships were ended.

We no longer use these websites to meet people for personal reasons; we also elect not to use instant messaging.

We have the best luck through Craig’s List/Casual Encounters in our local area. We have read hundreds of ads and have posted many ourselves looking for other couples like us. We have met with probably more couples this way than any other way so far.

When we do finally have a meet and greet with other couples we are looking for mutual attraction for everyone. If there isn’t any chemistry after the meeting there is no reason to continue. Additionally if the women don’t hit it off or have a liking to each other then no matter how strong the chemistry is between the couples, nothing will happen. The women are the ones who determine whether or not the next step happens. The women have to like each other; it’s just the nature of the lifestyle.

However, for reasons we can’t determine when we use the CL personals to meet people many times the people disappear after the first meeting. This has baffled us for quite some time now. We understand that others may not be attracted to us and that’s okay, there are couples we are not attracted to either. But even after a great meeting things fizzle out. Again, it’s the nature of the beast.

Last night I posted an ad on CL and we figured we’d have a few responses by morning. The question we asked was this…Are We Asking For Too Much? We explained exactly what we were looking for and exactly what we were not. It was brief and to the point. Like we always are we were blatantly honest but it had a bit of an edge. I expected some negative responses but I was ready for it. Within minutes we had our first hits. Now, almost 12 hours later we are still receiving responses to the ad. All of the responses, except one, were positive and we were told that we are exactly what they were looking for. It was very encouraging and we’ve written back to every single e-mail we received. We have had numerous hits on most all of our ads but this one has proved to be the most active ad ever!

The negative response (if you could call it that) was more advice on the whole CL community and the shallow pool of people who use the site to meet people (funny how he was swimming in that shallow pool of people as well!). That we had to sort through a lot of weeds to get to the flower beds, etc. His response sounded a bit angry at first and he accused us of being closed minded and not at all the type of people we ourselves were looking for. It ticked me off at first and I answered him back. How could I let THAT e-mail go? I’m always looking for a challenge and a good debate. Obviously that’s one reason I have a blog.

I wrote an excellent response telling him that he had no idea who we were and explained to him that we knew exactly the type of people who frequent the CL Casual Encounters area. It was comical because I just KNEW he was one of those beautiful self absorbed, hung like a horse, people we were NOT looking for. He quickly wrote back to me and his whole demeanor changed. If we were looking for a single male playmate, I probably would have invited him to tell me more about himself and chances are we would have met over dinner.

Swinging, Soft Swap, Open Relationships, Voyeurism vs. Cheating

People often ask us about being swingers and what the difference is between swinging, soft swapping and open relationships.

Being a swinger involves total trust in your partner, a strong relationship and the ability to find humor in every day life. You can't take yourself too seriously in this type of lifestyle.

Swingers are normally full swap, meaning being with the other couple's partner either in separate rooms or in the same room. It can involve another couple or a single male or female. Threesomes MFM (male, female, male) or FMF (female, male, female) can be extremely fun.

Some couples, like us, have a sit down "meet and greet" with prospective playmates so that details can be worked out ahead of time avoiding embarrising or akward situations. Most swingers have a set of 'rules' that are theirs alone. Some rules might include no kissing of the other couples partner, FF (female, female) kissing or play time may or may not be optional, same rooms swapping, all parties must be in agreement before any 'fun' is initiated, etc. These are just a few examples.

Soft swapping is being with your own partner sexually and having another couple present where only touching or possibly oral sex is allowed. There is no full swap during soft swap. These types of things are determined by the meet and greet, again to avoid any confussion as to what exactly is going to happen or not going to happen. It's very frustrating to be in a situation where you think you will be full swap with another couple when all they want to do is be with each other and maybe do some touching. It's best to get things out in the open right away.

Something similar happened to us. But we've learned from our errors and have pretty much developed a science to the lifestyle. A couple protrayed themselves as being full swap and we meet with them a couple times over dinner and/or lunch. We went to their home and began the playtime only to find out THEN that the guy was not able to have sex because of an operation, or so he said. So it turned out to be a FMF with myself and my partner while the guy watched and took pictures. It was an uncomfortable time for the both of us. We think he just wasn't able to perform because of his age and he wanted to be sure his girlfriend was satisfied. If they had just been honest and upfront with us we probably would have welcomed the threesome with her, however, being deceived like that only turned us off to them and any future get togethers.

Having an open relationship in a swinging lifestyle means that you give permission to your partner to seek 'entertainment' or playtime without the other being present. For some couples it works out best for them if they have opposite working schedules or not otherwise able to join their partner in playtime. Some couples just don't want to know what the other is doing or when they are doing it. However do not get this confused with cheating because this couple has openly discussed the lifestyle and what particular aspect of the lifestyle works best for them.

Voyeurism is only watching another couple having sex normally in the same room. No touching, oral or other type of play is enacted with the other couple.

Swinging is it for you or not

I've been debating starting a blog like this one for months. I have very strong feelings about the "lifestyle" that I chose to participate in and I' not here to recruit new members (newbies). I am here to shed some light on to the subject. Being gay or lesbian seems to be all the rage now days and they have finally become accepted in society, at least for the most part. Gay/Lesbian couples are seen all over the television, news, newspapers in every form of phsical contact imaginable and they are accepted by society, now. However, people who elect to participate in the lifestyle of swinging still have to hide behind bedroom doors and are NOT permitted to 'come out of the closet' if you will because of societial norms. Generally speaking, average America is more willing to live next door to a gay or lesbian couple than they would be to live next door to a swinging couple who is open about what they do. WHY?

I guess it would be easier to start with what swinging is NOT. It is NOT a fix to an already rocky relationship. It is NOT a 'license' to sleep with everyone who will have you. It is NOT about finding something that you are missing in your current relationship. It is NOT a secretive lifestyle. It does NOT tolerate jealousy. I could go on and on...I hope you get the idea. It IS about TOTAL OPENNESS, TRUST and COMMITTMENT with who you are currently with.

Openness, trust and committment? You say you already have this in your monogomas relationship? Great! Are you willing to explore the wilder side of your relationship with each other without bringing in drama, jealousy or insecurities? Have you even broached the idea with the one you love? Do you even know how you would start this type of conversation with him/her? Are you sure you know (I mean REALLY know) the person well enough to be able to bring this up without causing them any suspiosious reactions?

These are the types of questions I hope to answer in this blog.